Why can't I get Isabella to sleep in her own bed now? Why does she need to be crawling onto Mitchell or I every second? I love her but I need my own bed. I will hold her all day long if I have to so I can sleep alone.
Tonight,I told Mitch I felt fine, and I would stay up with Zander. Zander, for some reason, is awake at 11:00p.m. I sent Mitch to bed and stayed on my laptop. But I am not fine. I am dreading the morning. My shoulder is aching me and I am struggling to find the positive things in my life.
We began using hte flylady to get our housework under control and it was working, too. Today was such a bad day, though, that really nothing got done so tomorrow there will be SO much more to do. And I am hurting. Why the hell do I have this? I F"ing hate it! I feel so trapped in my own self. I hate mornings so much now and it takes so long just to get myself moving. I have an appointment this month with the doc so I can see if I can try some anti depressants. My research says they cna help the pain. Well, I got my fingers crossed.
My only positive thought is, today I distracted myself with some sewing projects. I dont care how sore i get when I am crafting. Maybe I will do a bunch of that tomorrow to make it through.
off to bed. I hope i can sleep.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Less Depressed, OR I love Sleep
It's proven that sleep helps fibromyalgia. And it is no less true for me. Thanks to Mitch realizing the spiral to hell I wa staking, he made sure I got some sleep and today we took the kids for a walk and it felt soo good. I wasn't tired, or sad. I do still feel a little depressed, but not anywhere near as bad as my last post.
Although I am dreading going to bed in case I wake up tomorrow feeling awful. Also, I keep having dreams about miscarriages and babies dying during birth. It's very unsettling and it's making me more upset. The emotional pain of a miscarriage could easily trump bleeding to death in a vat of lemon juice and salt due to a million deep razor cuts. If you say that's a bit overdramatic, it is only because you are not mourning the loss of a darling little baby whom you will never get to hold.
Although I am dreading going to bed in case I wake up tomorrow feeling awful. Also, I keep having dreams about miscarriages and babies dying during birth. It's very unsettling and it's making me more upset. The emotional pain of a miscarriage could easily trump bleeding to death in a vat of lemon juice and salt due to a million deep razor cuts. If you say that's a bit overdramatic, it is only because you are not mourning the loss of a darling little baby whom you will never get to hold.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Depression at it's worst
I will actually have to try not to cry while writing this post. I am depressed.
The depression, at this time, is worse than the pain. And it does more damage. I feel like someone else is living my life while I watch, unable to enjoy it. I do not feel like doing anything. I cannot gather the energy or motivation to clean my house or do things like normal. I spend what little motivation I have on schooling the children and making sure they have their needs. I have nothing left in me to laugh, or smile. I feel tired, I have body aches from the fibromyalgia and I find myself wanting to just sit. And do nothing. And more nothing. And feel sad. And wish I could get excited and play with the kids, or clean up and do something new with the house. Or maybe put on some of my nice clothes and some make up and feel pretty.
I have trouble feeling like I will be able to go on...but yet I do go one, and nothing changes.
What the hell am I going to do to get "me" back? I miss laughing and enjoying all the good things about my life!
All I want to do is sleep or hide or cry. I feel helpless. I did talk to Mitchell about it, though. He said he is going to try to help me. If I can wean Isabella I will be able to try an antidepressant, and it may help me have more energy, as breastfeeding a 32 pound toddler is very draining- nevermind being up all night with her because she is super stubborn.
I can't believe I actually motivated myself to post this. Maybe I will have enough left in me to write in my book.
Well, after editing I don't have any energy left so I am going to just sit and watch cartoons with Zander until he falls asleep.
The depression, at this time, is worse than the pain. And it does more damage. I feel like someone else is living my life while I watch, unable to enjoy it. I do not feel like doing anything. I cannot gather the energy or motivation to clean my house or do things like normal. I spend what little motivation I have on schooling the children and making sure they have their needs. I have nothing left in me to laugh, or smile. I feel tired, I have body aches from the fibromyalgia and I find myself wanting to just sit. And do nothing. And more nothing. And feel sad. And wish I could get excited and play with the kids, or clean up and do something new with the house. Or maybe put on some of my nice clothes and some make up and feel pretty.
I have trouble feeling like I will be able to go on...but yet I do go one, and nothing changes.
What the hell am I going to do to get "me" back? I miss laughing and enjoying all the good things about my life!
All I want to do is sleep or hide or cry. I feel helpless. I did talk to Mitchell about it, though. He said he is going to try to help me. If I can wean Isabella I will be able to try an antidepressant, and it may help me have more energy, as breastfeeding a 32 pound toddler is very draining- nevermind being up all night with her because she is super stubborn.
I can't believe I actually motivated myself to post this. Maybe I will have enough left in me to write in my book.
Well, after editing I don't have any energy left so I am going to just sit and watch cartoons with Zander until he falls asleep.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Sort of better
Well, the pain was somewhat better today, after getting Isabella to sleep in her own bed until morning. then I snuggled her in bed for an hour. Probably was a mistake to do that, because she might expect not to have to sleep in bed after that, but I put her to bed in her bed anyway and she wasn't too impressed with me, that is for sure. But anyway, pain wasn't so bad so I tried to get a few sewing projects done and some cleaning. I still feel pretty depressed about (pain and) the day tomorrow. I can't stop wondering what would be different if I had not miscarried. And wondering why anyone ever has to go through something so awful.
tonight I am so tired from cleaning and things today I am not hating bedtime, either. I just hope tomorrow I can wake up with a tolerable pain level and occupy myself and my thoughts.
tonight I am so tired from cleaning and things today I am not hating bedtime, either. I just hope tomorrow I can wake up with a tolerable pain level and occupy myself and my thoughts.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
The downside to parenting.
I can't give Isabella everything she wants. Mostly, because it isn't good for her. But tonight I am trying very hard to get her to sleep in her own crib, because she prefers to sleep in my bed, in my arms. Sleeping with her makes me stiff, sore, and I don't sleep well. These are things that give more power to the fibromyalgia. If I can get Isabella to accept sleeping in the beautiful bed we got for her, She will sleep better, I will sleep better, and we will both be happier people. And, I will be in less pain.
The problem is, she doesn't want to sleep in there. And I want to give her what she wants. So now we are in a struggle. *sigh* parenting often involves some sort of struggle. Soon enough I will be typing about weaning, too, as I am still breastfeeding a one year old who is very much a diva. At least we made some progress with nursing less often. we had one good night of sleep and then it got worse on an epic level.
what else can i type about tonight? depression is getting to me. I feel so confused as to why my life must be lived this way. I am having a hard time struggling to be inspired by anything at all, really. I can't let myself fall into the pity routine but it's so, so tempting.
What will I do when I have to really encourage Zander to potty train? I am forever being grateful that Mason is 100% out of diapers. Diaper changes are tough for me, but try to get a wriggly tot to sit on the potty makes my back ache like I am 110. It's all part of the struggle.
So, tonight I did modified crying it out for Isabella. I read her some stories, gave her lots of snugglies, and offered her the sippy cup she likes as much as I can. I laid her in her bed and tucked her in, caressing her cheeks and hair. I told her I wold be back in a few minutes to check on her, and of course she was upset. I went back after only one minute, tucked her back in and comforted her, then did the same thing, telling her she is okay, and that i would be back momentarily. I went back after 2 minutes several times, then 3, then 4. I thought i might give in but she started settling in. It was working! finally she was asleep- faster than when i let her have her own way at night! Hard to believe it. I know she will throw a bigger fit tomorrow but I am sticking to my guns. I am offering her lots of extra attention during the day though because this is not just one step for her, but two- she is used to nursing to sleep in my arms and sleeping with me. I am now having her fall asleep without nursing in her own bed in her own room. (I know it must be torture to have to go to sleep in a beautiful bed with soft, pretty bedding and a room painted and designed just for you, Isabella, but you will have to get used to it anyway)
I did this with Zander and it worked immediatly and he is still a very easy kid to put to bed. I wish I had done it with Mason when he was younger because he can be stubborn if he wants to. Luckily, if he is tired, he doesn't mind going to bed. The only real struggle there is that he always wants to drink chocolate milk immediatly before falling asleep. I always say no. It's water or nothing, because it will wreck his teeth.
well, that is enough for tonight. Here is hoping for a better night's sleep.
The problem is, she doesn't want to sleep in there. And I want to give her what she wants. So now we are in a struggle. *sigh* parenting often involves some sort of struggle. Soon enough I will be typing about weaning, too, as I am still breastfeeding a one year old who is very much a diva. At least we made some progress with nursing less often. we had one good night of sleep and then it got worse on an epic level.
what else can i type about tonight? depression is getting to me. I feel so confused as to why my life must be lived this way. I am having a hard time struggling to be inspired by anything at all, really. I can't let myself fall into the pity routine but it's so, so tempting.
What will I do when I have to really encourage Zander to potty train? I am forever being grateful that Mason is 100% out of diapers. Diaper changes are tough for me, but try to get a wriggly tot to sit on the potty makes my back ache like I am 110. It's all part of the struggle.
So, tonight I did modified crying it out for Isabella. I read her some stories, gave her lots of snugglies, and offered her the sippy cup she likes as much as I can. I laid her in her bed and tucked her in, caressing her cheeks and hair. I told her I wold be back in a few minutes to check on her, and of course she was upset. I went back after only one minute, tucked her back in and comforted her, then did the same thing, telling her she is okay, and that i would be back momentarily. I went back after 2 minutes several times, then 3, then 4. I thought i might give in but she started settling in. It was working! finally she was asleep- faster than when i let her have her own way at night! Hard to believe it. I know she will throw a bigger fit tomorrow but I am sticking to my guns. I am offering her lots of extra attention during the day though because this is not just one step for her, but two- she is used to nursing to sleep in my arms and sleeping with me. I am now having her fall asleep without nursing in her own bed in her own room. (I know it must be torture to have to go to sleep in a beautiful bed with soft, pretty bedding and a room painted and designed just for you, Isabella, but you will have to get used to it anyway)
I did this with Zander and it worked immediatly and he is still a very easy kid to put to bed. I wish I had done it with Mason when he was younger because he can be stubborn if he wants to. Luckily, if he is tired, he doesn't mind going to bed. The only real struggle there is that he always wants to drink chocolate milk immediatly before falling asleep. I always say no. It's water or nothing, because it will wreck his teeth.
well, that is enough for tonight. Here is hoping for a better night's sleep.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Late nights make for bad mornings, too
I know I should be forcing myself to sleep. It's 1 a.m., and The kids always get up by 7:30. Although, Mitch usually gets up with the kids because he knows I am really struggling right now. If i get better sleep the pain isn't as bad. It's like if I am tired my nerves are frayed from the stress of being tired and they make me hurt. But how can I sleep? I wouldn't walk willingly into a brick wall, but yet I am supposed to willingly go to sleep knowing I will wake up in pain.
And this week is even worse. Feb 27th is a very bad day for me. I miscarried that day in 2007. And then in 2009 I miscarried a baby who should have been due on Feb 27th. Isabella was supposed to be born on Feb 27th but came premature. I am superstitious, feeling like something bad is going to happen again.
It's past 1 a.m. What am I going to do? Here I go, trying to force myself to sleep. Hello brick wall.
And this week is even worse. Feb 27th is a very bad day for me. I miscarried that day in 2007. And then in 2009 I miscarried a baby who should have been due on Feb 27th. Isabella was supposed to be born on Feb 27th but came premature. I am superstitious, feeling like something bad is going to happen again.
It's past 1 a.m. What am I going to do? Here I go, trying to force myself to sleep. Hello brick wall.
Another morning
Yea, I woke up in so much pain this morning! My arms and calves and hips hurt. I couldn't even lift Isabella. And when Zander (my 2 year old) said good morning adn then tried to hug me, that hug was difficult. It ached.
I have so many wonderful blessings. I have a great fiance', and my children are healthy and amazing. Let me take a moment to tell you about my kids, because hopefully it will cheer me up this morning. I feel kind of like crying because of the pain. I hate waiting for my medication to kick in, it makes me feel like some kind of junkie.
Joseph Robert is 11 years old. He was born on new years eve, and my little brain. He is so much like me, he loves reading and does good with math. He is very creative and loves babies. When Isabella was first born, she was very tiny and he loved holding her and talking about how tiny her fingers and toes were. In fact, until recently, every time i turned around he was holding her, haha. Now I think he still would if she wasn't so heavy! I hope Joey has children in his fture more than I do the other kids, because he is at his best when he is around little ones.
Anastasia is not my biological daughter. She is my stepdaughter. She is 10, and she and I get along great. She is quirky, silly, and sweet. She has a very generous heart, and that is something I admire about her all the time. She is an outdoors tomboy kind of girl, and is always up for an adventure.
Zachary, age 8, is my other class clown. He is creative, and I don't think he is even capable of thinking inside the box. He loves sports, and plays soccer like it's his life dream. He is very loving, too. He wants to be a professional athlete when he grows up and that makes me so proud!
Mason, age 3, is Daddy's little clone. He is a showoff and loves dancing. He is just like his siblings in being a cuddle bug. He spends a lot of time trying to do whatever his daddy is doing. He learns quickly, and in fact talks well, can also use sign language, and can read a little, too.
Zander is mommy's boy one day, daddy's boy the next. He loves music and art more than anything else. He has an amazing capacity for remembering songs (although cannot ever remember where his socks go on his body) and sings often. My favorite is when he sings with his angelic voice as we ride the bus to the grocery store. The other riders really seem to enjoy it. unfortunatly, sometimes he uses that angelic voise to sing songs like "shout at the devil". haha.
Isabella is the one I have to try to limit myself on writing about. As I mentioned, Anastasia is my stepdaughter, and although we are close, she has a mother of her own. Since my first child I longed desperatly for a little girl to share that bond with and it was worth the wait. Isabella was a surprise, to sya the least, and I was grateful for her, despite the crazy timing. I knew 3 under 3 would be a tough time, but I didn't care. When I found out I was having a girl, it brought me to tears of joy. I taught myself to sew so tha tI could make her beautiful things without going broke. She was born premature, and weighed only 5 lbs, but was strong and healthy otherwise. And she is full of personality! She loves to be read to, and loves music just like her siblings. she was meant for me to be her mom, because hse loves frilly dresses and her favorite toy is her little purse. She is quite the little clown, also. Although she was a preemie, She made up for it, too. She is one year old, but wears size 2toddler, and weighs as much as Zander does! She is tall and very, very chubby. I am still breastfeeding her at this point, although I am trying to wean her so I can try a different medication for my fibromyalgia. And because breastfeeding is making her a little too chubby.
ok so I feel a little better. my medication kicked in. I do feel like some kind of junkie though. Argh. I hate mornings and I just wish I could find a way for the pain to not be so bad when I wake up. I am already dreading tomorrow morning and I haven't experienced this day yet.
I have so many wonderful blessings. I have a great fiance', and my children are healthy and amazing. Let me take a moment to tell you about my kids, because hopefully it will cheer me up this morning. I feel kind of like crying because of the pain. I hate waiting for my medication to kick in, it makes me feel like some kind of junkie.
Joseph Robert is 11 years old. He was born on new years eve, and my little brain. He is so much like me, he loves reading and does good with math. He is very creative and loves babies. When Isabella was first born, she was very tiny and he loved holding her and talking about how tiny her fingers and toes were. In fact, until recently, every time i turned around he was holding her, haha. Now I think he still would if she wasn't so heavy! I hope Joey has children in his fture more than I do the other kids, because he is at his best when he is around little ones.
Anastasia is not my biological daughter. She is my stepdaughter. She is 10, and she and I get along great. She is quirky, silly, and sweet. She has a very generous heart, and that is something I admire about her all the time. She is an outdoors tomboy kind of girl, and is always up for an adventure.
Zachary, age 8, is my other class clown. He is creative, and I don't think he is even capable of thinking inside the box. He loves sports, and plays soccer like it's his life dream. He is very loving, too. He wants to be a professional athlete when he grows up and that makes me so proud!
Mason, age 3, is Daddy's little clone. He is a showoff and loves dancing. He is just like his siblings in being a cuddle bug. He spends a lot of time trying to do whatever his daddy is doing. He learns quickly, and in fact talks well, can also use sign language, and can read a little, too.
Zander is mommy's boy one day, daddy's boy the next. He loves music and art more than anything else. He has an amazing capacity for remembering songs (although cannot ever remember where his socks go on his body) and sings often. My favorite is when he sings with his angelic voice as we ride the bus to the grocery store. The other riders really seem to enjoy it. unfortunatly, sometimes he uses that angelic voise to sing songs like "shout at the devil". haha.
Isabella is the one I have to try to limit myself on writing about. As I mentioned, Anastasia is my stepdaughter, and although we are close, she has a mother of her own. Since my first child I longed desperatly for a little girl to share that bond with and it was worth the wait. Isabella was a surprise, to sya the least, and I was grateful for her, despite the crazy timing. I knew 3 under 3 would be a tough time, but I didn't care. When I found out I was having a girl, it brought me to tears of joy. I taught myself to sew so tha tI could make her beautiful things without going broke. She was born premature, and weighed only 5 lbs, but was strong and healthy otherwise. And she is full of personality! She loves to be read to, and loves music just like her siblings. she was meant for me to be her mom, because hse loves frilly dresses and her favorite toy is her little purse. She is quite the little clown, also. Although she was a preemie, She made up for it, too. She is one year old, but wears size 2toddler, and weighs as much as Zander does! She is tall and very, very chubby. I am still breastfeeding her at this point, although I am trying to wean her so I can try a different medication for my fibromyalgia. And because breastfeeding is making her a little too chubby.
ok so I feel a little better. my medication kicked in. I do feel like some kind of junkie though. Argh. I hate mornings and I just wish I could find a way for the pain to not be so bad when I wake up. I am already dreading tomorrow morning and I haven't experienced this day yet.
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