Depression at it's worst

I will actually have to try not to cry while writing this post. I am depressed.

The depression, at this time, is worse than the pain. And it does more damage. I feel like someone else is living my life while I watch, unable to enjoy it. I do not feel like doing anything. I cannot gather the energy or motivation to clean my house or do things like normal. I spend what little motivation I have on schooling the children and making sure they have their needs. I have nothing left in me to laugh, or smile. I feel tired, I have body aches from the fibromyalgia and I find myself wanting to just sit. And do nothing. And more nothing. And feel sad. And wish I could get excited and play with the kids, or clean up and do something new with the house. Or maybe put on some of my nice clothes and some make up and feel pretty.

I have trouble feeling like I will be able to go on...but yet I do go one, and nothing changes.

What the hell am I going to do to get "me" back? I miss laughing and enjoying all the good things about my life!

All I want to do is sleep or hide or cry. I feel helpless. I did talk to Mitchell about it, though. He said he is going to try to help me. If I can wean Isabella I will be able to try an antidepressant, and it may help me have more energy, as breastfeeding a 32 pound toddler is very draining- nevermind being up all night with her because she is super stubborn.

I can't believe I actually motivated myself to post this. Maybe I will have enough left in me to write in my book.

Well, after editing I don't have any energy left so I am going to just sit and watch cartoons with Zander until he falls asleep.