Sort of better

Well, the pain was somewhat better today, after getting Isabella to sleep in her own bed until morning. then I snuggled her in bed for an hour. Probably was a mistake to do that, because she might expect not to have to sleep in bed after that, but I put her to bed in her bed anyway and she wasn't too impressed with me, that is for sure. But anyway, pain wasn't so bad so I tried to get a few sewing projects done and some cleaning. I still feel pretty depressed about (pain and) the day tomorrow. I can't stop wondering what would be different if I had not miscarried. And wondering why anyone ever has to go through something so awful.

tonight I am so tired from cleaning and things today I am not hating bedtime, either. I just hope tomorrow I can wake up with a tolerable pain level and occupy myself and my thoughts.

The downside to parenting.

I can't give Isabella everything she wants. Mostly, because it isn't good for her. But tonight I am trying very hard to get her to sleep in her own crib, because she prefers to sleep in my bed, in my arms. Sleeping with her makes me stiff, sore, and I don't sleep well. These are things that give more power to the fibromyalgia. If I can get Isabella to accept sleeping in the beautiful bed we got for her, She will sleep better, I will sleep better, and we will both be happier people. And, I will be in less pain.

The problem is, she doesn't want to sleep in there. And I want to give her what she wants. So now we are in a struggle. *sigh* parenting often involves some sort of struggle. Soon enough I will be typing about weaning, too, as I am still breastfeeding a one year old who is very much a diva. At least we made some progress with nursing less often. we had one good night of sleep and then it got worse on an epic level.

what else can i type about tonight? depression is getting to me. I feel so confused as to why my life must be lived this way. I am having a hard time struggling to be inspired by anything at all, really. I can't let myself fall into the pity routine but it's so, so tempting.

What will I do when I have to really encourage Zander to potty train? I am forever being grateful that Mason is 100% out of diapers. Diaper changes are tough for me, but try to get a wriggly tot to sit on the potty makes my back ache like I am 110. It's all part of the struggle.

So, tonight I did modified crying it out for Isabella. I read her some stories, gave her lots of snugglies, and offered her the sippy cup she likes as much as I can. I laid her in her bed and tucked her in, caressing her cheeks and hair. I told her I wold be back in a few minutes to check on her, and of course she was upset. I went back after only one minute, tucked her back in and comforted her, then did the same thing, telling her she is okay, and that i would be back momentarily. I went back after 2 minutes several times, then 3, then 4. I thought i might give in but she started settling in. It was working! finally she was asleep- faster than when i let her have her own way at night! Hard to believe it. I know she will throw a bigger fit tomorrow but I am sticking to my guns. I am offering her lots of extra attention during the day though because this is not just one step for her, but two- she is used to nursing to sleep in my arms and sleeping with me. I am now having her fall asleep without nursing in her own bed in her own room. (I know it must be torture to have to go to sleep in a beautiful bed with soft, pretty bedding and a room painted and designed just for you, Isabella, but you will have to get used to it anyway)


I did this with Zander and it worked immediatly and he is still a very easy kid to put to bed. I wish I had done it with Mason when he was younger because he can be stubborn if he wants to. Luckily, if he is tired, he doesn't mind going to bed. The only real struggle there is that he always wants to drink chocolate milk immediatly before falling asleep. I always say no. It's water or nothing, because it will wreck his teeth.

well, that is enough for tonight. Here is hoping for a better night's sleep.

Late nights make for bad mornings, too

I know I should be forcing myself to sleep. It's 1 a.m., and The kids always get up by 7:30. Although, Mitch usually gets up with the kids because he knows I am really struggling right now. If i get better sleep the pain isn't as bad. It's like if I am tired my nerves are frayed from the stress of being tired and they make me hurt. But how can I sleep? I wouldn't walk willingly into a brick wall, but yet I am supposed to willingly go to sleep knowing I will wake up in pain.

And this week is even worse. Feb 27th is a very bad day for me. I miscarried that day in 2007. And then in 2009 I miscarried a baby who should have been due on Feb 27th. Isabella was supposed to be born on Feb 27th but came premature. I am superstitious, feeling like something bad is going to happen again.

It's past 1 a.m. What am I going to do? Here I go, trying to force myself to sleep. Hello brick wall.

Another morning

Yea, I woke up in so much pain this morning! My arms and calves and hips hurt. I couldn't even lift Isabella. And when Zander (my 2 year old) said good morning adn then tried to hug me, that hug was difficult. It ached.
I have so many wonderful blessings. I have a great fiance', and my children are healthy and amazing. Let me take a moment to tell you about my kids, because hopefully it will cheer me up this morning. I feel kind of like crying because of the pain. I hate waiting for my medication to kick in, it makes me feel like some kind of junkie.

Joseph Robert is 11 years old. He was born on new years eve, and my little brain. He is so much like me, he loves reading and does good with math. He is very creative and loves babies. When Isabella was first born, she was very tiny and he loved holding her and talking about how tiny her fingers and toes were. In fact, until recently, every time i turned around he was holding her, haha. Now I think he still would if she wasn't so heavy! I hope Joey has children in his fture more than I do the other kids, because he is at his best when he is around little ones.

Anastasia is not my biological daughter. She is my stepdaughter. She is 10, and she and I get along great. She is quirky, silly, and sweet. She has a very generous heart, and that is something I admire about her all the time. She is an outdoors tomboy kind of girl, and is always up for an adventure.

Zachary, age 8, is my other class clown. He is creative, and I don't think he is even capable of thinking inside the box. He loves sports, and plays soccer like it's his life dream. He is very loving, too. He wants to be a professional athlete when he grows up and that makes me so proud!

Mason, age 3, is Daddy's little clone. He is a showoff and loves dancing. He is just like his siblings in being a cuddle bug. He spends a lot of time trying to do whatever his daddy is doing. He learns quickly, and in fact talks well, can also use sign language, and can read a little, too.

Zander is mommy's boy one day, daddy's boy the next. He loves music and art more than anything else. He has an amazing capacity for remembering songs (although cannot ever remember where his socks go on his body) and sings often. My favorite is when he sings with his angelic voice as we ride the bus to the grocery store. The other riders really seem to enjoy it. unfortunatly, sometimes he uses that angelic voise to sing songs like "shout at the devil". haha.

Isabella is the one I have to try to limit myself on writing about. As I mentioned, Anastasia is my stepdaughter, and although we are close, she has a mother of her own. Since my first child I longed desperatly for a little girl to share that bond with and it was worth the wait. Isabella was a surprise, to sya the least, and I was grateful for her, despite the crazy timing. I knew 3 under 3 would be a tough time, but I didn't care. When I found out I was having a girl, it brought me to tears of joy. I taught myself to sew so tha tI could make her beautiful things without going broke. She was born premature, and weighed only 5 lbs, but was strong and healthy otherwise. And she is full of personality! She loves to be read to, and loves music just like her siblings. she was meant for me to be her mom, because hse loves frilly dresses and her favorite toy is her little purse. She is quite the little clown, also. Although she was a preemie, She made up for it, too. She is one year old, but wears size 2toddler, and weighs as much as Zander does! She is tall and very, very chubby. I am still breastfeeding her at this point, although I am trying to wean her so I can try a different medication for my fibromyalgia. And because breastfeeding is making her a little too chubby.

ok so I feel a little better. my medication kicked in. I do feel like some kind of junkie though. Argh. I hate mornings and I just wish I could find a way for the pain to not be so bad when I wake up. I am already dreading tomorrow morning and I haven't experienced this day yet.

Insomnia

I don't want to fall asleep. I am going to wake up in pain and I just can't take it. I am exhausted, and my back and arms hurt and I don't want to wake up in misery. this is so unfair.

How I got here

I was diagnosed just last year with Fibromyalgia. I can't really remember when the very beginning is, though. For a very long time I woke up with minor aches and pains. I know that's normal, it's part of life. I have always had to work very hard to be healthy so I took it in stride. When I got pregnant with Mason in 2006, I never thought twice about how bad my aches got, I was pregnant afterall. The aches (and the baby weight) didn't really have a chance to dissipate before I was pregnant again in 2007 when Mason was just 5 months old. I guess I am part rabbit because I got pregnant yet again in 2008, when Zander was 7 months old and Mason was 21 months old. That pregnancy was when things took a noticeable turn, however.

At about 4 months pregnant, I had sciatica-like pain that would last for days. Changes in temperatures would either help a lot or be extremely uncomfortable. I began having a lot more trouble sleeping and my hips would ache so getting comfortable was literally impossible. I wouldn’t be able to sleep until I was so exhausted I couldn’t help it. It was very hard to be a good mom when I was tired and achy all the time. I had vowed never to let a pregnancy keep me from being a good mom so I was riddled with guilt as a cherry on top of my pain sundae.

When I reached 7 months pregnant, I did believe it was the pregnancy causing my pain, and I was nervous about delivery. I had reached a point where sitting on the hard seat of our potty was painful, and if it was cold, it would cause the pain to be so much worse it could bring me to tears. I would wake up and have trouble standing. My hands and feet would feel swollen but they would not appear so visibly. The pain would come and go, being worse in the morning and the evening, and better in the middle of the day after I had been moving around and trying to get things done. Every time the pain got to be too much I calmed myself and prayed it would ‘heal’ quickly once the baby was born.

During Isabella’s delivery, I received an epidural, and it helped with most of the pain, however, my hip pain became worse as my labor progressed. I became anxious and fearful. The nurses kept offering me more and more ‘shots’ into the epidural because they could see that I was in pain. And then it was time for Isabella to come out- and it felt like my hips were going to break. I screamed from the pain in my hips, because I felt no pain from where the baby was coming from, and my upper arms had painful sensitive spots and my feet felt like they were being stabbed. That pain was comparable to the labor I was actually experiencing at that time.

Moving forward, as I healed form delivery, and ate healthy because I was breastfeeding my daughter, the pain was easy to ignore as I dealt with exhaustion from having three children under the age of three to care for. But by the time Isabella was 4 months old I was struggling with discomfort, aches, sensitivity, insomnia, and depression. I sought medical help mainly for the depression because I thought maybe the depression was now the cause of the pain.

The pain worsened. I didn’t even think it was possible. Now crippled by pain every morning, I returned to my doctor who finally ordered some tests to rule out some issues. At the end of it all he diagnosed me with fibromyalgia. I was relieved to have a name and a diagnosis. However, it is not ‘curable’ and the treatment varies. I have to work hard very day to stay positive because living with pain is very difficult. Many mornings I don’t want to get up, but I must because laying down doesn’t actually hurt less. I have to have help carrying my daughter or doing anything involving dexterity until my medication works- it takes at least an hour for it to help me. I even have to have help opening my pill bottle about half the time.

It is easier for me in warmer weather, because I can get outside more and get more exercise. Exercise helps stretch my muscles and make them less sensitive, and I sleep better as well and more sleep means my nerves aren’t as jumpy and touchy.

In the winter, I can’t do as much and the cold really does affect me, it makes me stiff, and the pain becomes not only crippling, but depressing. It’s hard to fight depression on cold bleak days when I am in too much pain to even play with my kids. So this is where I started. I have moderate to severe fibromyalgia. I have to battle pain everyday, fight depression, avoid addiction to pain relievers, take care of my body so medication doesn’t poison me, try to keep the condition from draining my body of nourishment. As I type this, I currently weigh 106 lbs and I am 5’6. Not good. So I promised myself to work hard to put on some weight so I don’t disappear.