HMF.

Why can't I get Isabella to sleep in her own bed now? Why does she need to be crawling onto Mitchell or I every second? I love her but I need my own bed. I will hold her all day long if I have to so I can sleep alone.


Tonight,I told Mitch I felt fine, and I would stay up with Zander. Zander, for some reason, is awake at 11:00p.m. I sent Mitch to bed and stayed on my laptop. But I am not fine. I am dreading the morning. My shoulder is aching me and I am struggling to find the positive things in my life.

We began using hte flylady to get our housework under control and it was working, too. Today was such a bad day, though, that really nothing got done so tomorrow there will be SO much more to do. And I am hurting. Why the hell do I have this? I F"ing hate it! I feel so trapped in my own self. I hate mornings so much now and it takes so long just to get myself moving. I have an appointment this month with the doc so I can see if I can try some anti depressants. My research says they cna help the pain. Well, I got my fingers crossed.

My only positive thought is, today I distracted myself with some sewing projects. I dont care how sore i get when I am crafting. Maybe I will do a bunch of that tomorrow to make it through.

off to bed. I hope i can sleep.

Less Depressed, OR I love Sleep

It's proven that sleep helps fibromyalgia. And it is no less true for me. Thanks to Mitch realizing the spiral to hell I wa staking, he made sure I got some sleep and today we took the kids for a walk and it felt soo good. I wasn't tired, or sad. I do still feel a little depressed, but not anywhere near as bad as my last post.

Although I am dreading going to bed in case I wake up tomorrow feeling awful. Also, I keep having dreams about miscarriages and babies dying during birth. It's very unsettling and it's making me more upset. The emotional pain of a miscarriage could easily trump bleeding to death in a vat of lemon juice and salt due to a million deep razor cuts. If you say that's a bit overdramatic, it is only because you are not mourning the loss of a darling little baby whom you will never get to hold.

Depression at it's worst

I will actually have to try not to cry while writing this post. I am depressed.

The depression, at this time, is worse than the pain. And it does more damage. I feel like someone else is living my life while I watch, unable to enjoy it. I do not feel like doing anything. I cannot gather the energy or motivation to clean my house or do things like normal. I spend what little motivation I have on schooling the children and making sure they have their needs. I have nothing left in me to laugh, or smile. I feel tired, I have body aches from the fibromyalgia and I find myself wanting to just sit. And do nothing. And more nothing. And feel sad. And wish I could get excited and play with the kids, or clean up and do something new with the house. Or maybe put on some of my nice clothes and some make up and feel pretty.

I have trouble feeling like I will be able to go on...but yet I do go one, and nothing changes.

What the hell am I going to do to get "me" back? I miss laughing and enjoying all the good things about my life!

All I want to do is sleep or hide or cry. I feel helpless. I did talk to Mitchell about it, though. He said he is going to try to help me. If I can wean Isabella I will be able to try an antidepressant, and it may help me have more energy, as breastfeeding a 32 pound toddler is very draining- nevermind being up all night with her because she is super stubborn.

I can't believe I actually motivated myself to post this. Maybe I will have enough left in me to write in my book.

Well, after editing I don't have any energy left so I am going to just sit and watch cartoons with Zander until he falls asleep.